Lately...

Well... It's been a while.

SO Much has happened over the last 6 months! ... I made it through my junior year of college, got the key to my first apartment (EEKKK! I'm growing up!!!), moved home for the summer, planted a new flower garden by the mail box, apartment shopped for furniture, played clarinet in the church orchestra, got a new macbook pro, turned 21, went to a doctor who gave me answers, went on a CRAZY intense diet of no added sugar... all wheat instead of anything refined... and 15 capsules of medication a day (that I have to continue for the next month and a half - yuck), and took a bunch of family pictures ...

I am kind of ready for school to start. I'm really excited to cook food in my kitchen... I love cooking. I already have a list of recipes to try and since i'm on this crazy diet (dr's orders) then I am trying all of this health conscious stuff... Like sugar free/dairy free ice cream... Haha... that's not even ice cream anymore, is it? But it's better than watching everyone else eat cookies and ice cream while I much on a banana (Yes, that is as sugary as I can get now days).

I'll let you know how the ice cream goes... lol

I am excited to decorate my own room and bathroom... SO excited.

I will miss my family. I actually am looking forward to moving back home once I graduate.

See... here is how I figure it.

I can either spend money on an apartment every month along with all of the expenses... or I can pay my parents 1/6 of that to live at home and put everything that I would be spending on an apartment (plus some) into savings. Then after a couple years I can just go out and find a little fixer-upper (yes, that is a little dream of mine) and practically have the whole thing payed for.

I also want to have a studio... with a room set up for taking portraits... and a computer room for editing pictures and doing graphic design... and a client viewing room with a large tv (to view their photos on), large table, and couches.... A kitchen/kitchenette ...

I also want large dogs. Aggressive dogs. haha... If i'm going to be living by myself I need something to help me feel safe... (besides my springfield xd 40 subcompact - of course haha).

I guess I have a while before that time comes. For now i'm just finishing up school... and focusing on making myself the person that someone would want to spend forever with one day. So much for searching!...

Yeah, I know, I have a lot to learn still. But i'm working on it.

I run to you

Life is so strange. Why does it have to be hard? Why does it go so perfectly sometimes but those are the times that it seems to go so quickly... when it's hard it just seems to drag on and all you can think about is the future and getting to a better place.

I dont say that because that's how I feel right now... well... not necessarily. I would say that I dont consider right now to be the highlight of my life. But maybe that's my problem. Maybe it should be. I mean... shouldnt here and now be what we live for?... Not to say that you throw precaution out the window because consequences come tomorrow... but God tells us not to worry.. he also tells us not to dwell on the past... So that leaves right now. We plan for the future... and we ask forgiveness for the past... but both of those things require a little bit of thought about the future and the past but that's it... the majority of life is... now.

I guess i'm rambling because i'm tired... It is 1:15. So I guess I should be tired.

Today I went hiking in Springfield and it was pretty much a blast. I wish I could go all the time. I wish I lived someplace where I could do that often.

I hate how you become friends with someone and then something happens and you just never talk with them again. I have had that happen with so many friends in the past... someone I meet in welcome week or youth group and then years down the road you see them again and they dont even acknowledge you. I guess that's kind of different than someone that just stops talking with you all together. Especially when you dont really know what happened... but you cant ask because the communication is gone. I hate losing a friend but I guess you just get over it and move on when there is nothing you can do about it.

Life has been hard this last week. I know it will get better. But it's so hard to let go of control of my future... it's a constant struggle. I really lean self control when life goes this way.

I had a guy tell me that when he turns 35, if were both single than we will just get married. Haha... just what I want... to be someone's back up plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and future" Jer. 29:11

I spent about 6 hours the last 2 days learning new songs on the guitar... Lady Antebellem has been in my head... I learned "I run to you"... it's one of my new favorites. I want to sing it. Too bad I dont sing in front of people (well... except my parents, Ty, and my roommates) so I could never sing it with someone... Haha...

Way too much on my mind.

Well Hi there! (To anyone out there reading this)... I really dont think anyone does read this... but if you are out there reading this and you think to yourself "Hey! I am reading this!"... then hopefully you enjoy reading this. I enjoy writing this. Hopefully there is a little more usefulness in this than just me aimlessly typing away... Hopefully it's at least fun to read.. or maybe encouraging...?....

Well, It's been quite the day! Today Equality Ride (gay, lesbian, trans, bi, etc.) came to our school to debate the moral issue of homosexuality. It was very interesting... There was too much said to go into detail here.

Then I went to play Bingo at the assisted living home here in bolivar.. that was so much fun. I just love sitting and talking with people. I think that a lot of the time people are intimidated or scared to talk with older people because they are scared of what to say. I think it is such a blast to just sit and talk about random things. We talked about square dancing, swing dancing, riding horses to school, WWI, WWII, and bolivar 50 years ago. Haha...

So ... God has really been working in my life the last few days. I dont really know what the purpose of things that he has been showing me or what the end result is (I dont know that we ever will know that... even when we think we "arrive" to the end...) but I think that its something pretty cool... or at least I am trusting that it is.

So some pretty crazy things that I feel like sharing (Some of this is from the book Crazy Love)-

I have really been praying about going to Guatemala next January. I really had closed my heart to the idea of any mission trips through SBU because of prior experiences but I felt like God was really laying that trip on my heart the last few days... so I guess we will see where this goes.

"The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?".... wow

I love love. I really desire love... but isnt that how God made us? To desire this relationship with Him as we desire all genuine love relationships? Isn't that what brings him glory - when believers desire him and are not merely slaves who serve him out of obligation?

How come it is so hard to honestly say and live the words of Psalm 63: 1-5

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

I dont think the solution is to try harder to muster up this "love" towards God that doesnt show in our every day lives. When loving God becomes obligation, one of the things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves.... focusing more on ourselves to achieve the goals we set for ourselves.

The answer lies in letting Him change you.

I need God to help me love God more.

If I need God to help me love Himself (Holy and sinless) more... then how much do I need God to help me love others (sinful and fault-filled) more?

"Imaging going for a run while eating a box of Twinkies. Besides being self defeating and sideach-inducing, it would also be near impossible - you would have to stop running to eat the twinkies. In the same way, you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin."

Whew.. that's a lot of stuff that Ive been thinking about...

Well... off to get stuff done.

Audience of One

This is a good one ...


I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am.

And I lift these songs
To you and you alone
As I sing to you
In my praises make your home

So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that youve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility

And Lord as the love song

of my life is played
I have one desire to bring glory to your name

To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord

And we lift these songs
To you and you alone
As we sing to you
In our praises make your home

Blah (That's gibberish for my negative lethargic attitude right now).

Well
I got my computer back today. Thats good. I saw a great nature photographers gallery at the plaza. That was good. I ate a wonderful salad for lunch. That was good. I felt like my shoulders were up to my ears from being so tense from my dads driving and negative atitude (he gets like that when he is in the inner city... he goes into defense mode). That wasnt so good. I got home and felt kind of hungry but then I just didnt feel like eating. That wasnt good. I took almost an hour long shower and just thought and prayed. I know, I know... that's not what showers are for lol... but I will have to say that that was good too. I'm rather confused. That's not good. I am trying to figure out what I'm feeling. I think that when I start to feel the chance of being hurt come on I just shut down my emotions. I stop feeling. Stop thinking. Just ... stop. Back away and get into defense mode just like my dad... where no one wants to be around me because I become negative, sad, and bitter.. all because i'm scared of being hurt. That's not good. I have so much pride that I can't really admit what I'm thinking, feeling, wanting. What do I do? Uhhh.. I dont know.

Who you are

God,

You stole my heart. But I keep trying to take it back again. To do what I want with it. Pass it around for everyone share. Then the storm rages. I lose sight of where you are. Who you are. How beautiful you really are. I always knew you loved me. And how much you loved me. But I never understood how much I could love you back. I never knew that you could be a friend. I never knew until I lost everything... that you were everything. You could be everything. You are everything. I never knew what loving you meant. What it looked like. I guess I had never really seen. So I learned for myself.

I saw you . I talked with you and you spoke back. I could almost hear your "I love you" with the sunrise that morning. The tree I saw that day. The stars that night. The silence. The city. I have learned that you're everywhere. I just never payed attention. I never listened. But it is beautiful, I just thought I would let you know. Because you are beautiful also. More than beautiful, actually.

But now I ask for so much. Sometimes I trust. But I also know that sometimes I don't. I know you have a plan... but am I really ok with it? What if it's not what I want? Am I really ok with that or do I just say that I am? Because I dont know. I want to be ok with it. But I dont even know my heart sometimes.

I know I have to be patient. I am getting better, right? I am trying. Sometimes I just want to hear your words of affirmation. Then I realize that I just need to open my bible for that. You wrote your love down for me. It's always there. I never have to work for it. I never have to search for it. I never have to wait for it. I never have to cry for it. I never have to wonder if it's there. Wonder if you're there. Wonder if you love me back. Wonder if you will leave me. I really like knowing that you wont.

I have to keep my focus. Because I'm trusting you. It's hard sometimes. I know you know that. Because obviously I mess up a lot. You know me. You know what I struggle with... Please help me... I know you do and will.

So that leads me to this. I can't control it. I don't really want to. Well, in all honesty, I guess in my flesh I do. But I know deep down that I can't. And that it will only end up wrong, messed up, and Confusing if I try. So take it. Give me patience. Keep my focus. Keep my thoughts.

I want you to be first. I want to learn how to love you so I can love someone else. I want to learn how you love me so I can show love as closely resembled to your love as I can humanly do.

Please steal my heart again. Take it. Don't let me claim it back again. I want you to be the one to chose who to share it with.

I am alive. I know you have an amazing purpose for me just because of that fact. Why me?

I love you.

peanut butter

I really enjoy peanut butter.
I just had peanut butter on crackers... then I had peanut butter on a chocolate chip granola bar... then I just had peanut butter on a spoon. Uhhhh.... Love it. Haha ... If i'm obese by age 25 we will know why.

Ok so this week is insane. I think If I dont die by the end of it then it will be a miracle. (ok, ok.. so that is an over exaggeration).

Well I know the one thing that I need right now... and it's not peanut butter.... It's not junk food (even though I dont really own junk food)... it's not a good fiction book... it's not a relaxing night... it's not a good friend to talk with.... it's not working out (even though that is what I am getting ready to go do right now)... It's not a good guitar jam session... Even though I do want all those things... really badly (especially the relaxing night one.... we all know that isn't happening tonight)... I really just need to be alone with God.

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz you said that I would never want for anything again
But my eyes are set low
and I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep

I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
This isn't who I'm supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
you're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need
I know I don't need

Well... Work out...eat... Jamming with Ty (guitar time)... graphic design project... SLEEEPPPP.........

week 3

Dear reader (meaning the great abyss that these blog entries fall into... considering the fact that probably no one reads them...),

As I get ready to start week 3 of school I sit here thinking about all of the changes that this semester has brought. Wheeww...

I am pretty frustrated with some aspects of life right now... content with some ... and pretty excited about others.

To start with, I wish that the opposite sex could just leave me alone for a while. Enough said.... Well, don't get me wrong... I am rather flattered. But let's just be friends. Yes, I may find you interesting... (on the other hand I may not)... but please... at least respect me in the process. Don't assume that you know exactly what I'm thinking and that I just can't wait to date you and marry you. "Uhhhhhhhh" (That noise shows the extent of my frustration and confusion). I dont mean to sound conceited. Because I really dont see what these guys see in me in the first place. I think that most of them just see the fact that they are getting older and soon the pick of girls will dwindle down to almost nothing... so they better get while the gettin's good. If this describes you... then don't even try. On the other hand... I think that it is possible for a guy to be very nice. And sincere. And respectable for respecting me. But who knows... guys change right? Time will tell...I guess It has a way of doing that.

I love the girls on the hall that I live with. Sooo much.

I really love ice cream.

I really love working out... too bad I never seem to have time anymore.

I am trying to take things slow. Trust God. Be patient. Follow. But it is so hard sometimes... I dont want to fall into the same mistakes again. I want to do everything better from here on out. I believe that God will open doors and close others... So why am I searching? Why am I thinking about things that I need to just not worry about? Why do I worry about tomorrow? Why do I worry about what you think? Why do I wait for a text message? Pretty stupid huh? I'm trying to not control everything.. but I guess that takes practice... when you are used to just controlling everything. It's a new concept.

I am tired... I need more sleep... why is it that I am up at 1:00 am writing a blog when I know I should be sleeping? I have to get up at 8:00am tomorrow.

Ohhh why do I do the things I do sometimes? haha... I guess it's bed time.

Chain of thought

Random chain of thought facts about me .. because I can't think of anything else to write right now.

I like my space. I am independent. I am motivated. I am extremely strong willed. But I'm kind of hypocritical at the same time... Because I'm not always like that. lol... I like to lead in some situations where a leader is needed. But I really enjoy following. I like metaphorical things such as poetry... but I'm not into the mushy gushy stuff. I like the color red because it's very classy when paired with black and white. But I also like bright pink (just not to design or decorate with). I love taking pictures of people. I like falling asleep in the middle of the day. I like waking up when it's raining and then falling back asleep because I don't have to get up early. I like chocolate chip pancakes. I like helping people that are going through situations that i've gone through. I like dark paint on walls (like brown) because it's so relaxing (unless it's in a kitchen or living room or a room on the south side of the house). I hate divorce. I enjoy cooking (deserts are my favorite). I have a secret family recipe for pie crust (i'm the only person in my family that knows it). I was the last one to see my great grandma alive (besides the nurse probably). I love learning about how people react to situations. I love learning about why people do what they do. I do not enjoy band. I really like drinking water. I love camping. I love running water (like streams, waterfalls, etc). I love bright colors. I love the spring time when everything is blooming. I love the New Testament and I find it easier to relate to my life than the Old Testament (but i'm working on that). I really have a heart for hurting people (I mean people who are hurting). I enjoy sewing. I made my purse. I like big breakfasts. I love carbs but I dont really enjoy eating a lot of carbs all at once. I enjoy protein more than carbs. My favorite is a good mixture of the two in every meal. I like tuna salad. I really really like sunflowers for a really deep reason... not necessarily because they are pretty (even though they are pretty). I enjoy taking everything slow and enjoying the process of getting places. I dont like rushing things (anything). I take a long time to grieve. I take a long time to love. And I enjoy when people give me the time I need. I enjoy when people let me grieve and try to understand. I enjoy when people understand emotions and pain and even when it doesnt make sense or what you're doing isn't necessarily the "right" thing to do ... they still understand that you are reacting the way that you are because of the pain and they have compassion regardless. I enjoy praying. I enjoy taking walks. I enjoy lots and lots of pillows. I enjoy cuddling (even if it IS just with my pillows haha). I enjoy being warm. I enjoy pretty snow. I enjoy lazy days. I enjoy movie/tv show marathons. I enjoy getting into a warm bed when you are completely exhausted and your whole body just feels so amazing as you relax........
uhhh....
I think i'm done for today.

Wow.

School again, school again, jiggady-jig...

Hello all!

Well I am back in Bo, Mo. That is apparent by spending just 30 seconds in Walmart. I think it is the mixture between the goth gang member, mom yelling at her 6 month old that can't understand what they did wrong, Cowboy, and creepy-look-giving guy ... all the different demographics that make up this awesome town. uhhh... I just love it. (I am pretty sarcastic). At least I get to head to Springfield Tuesday evening.

So here I sit, jalapeno doritos in hand at 10:45 at night (no wonder I gained 4lbs over Christmas break!), typing away listening to my roommates Casting Crowns. I am so excited about this semester. My workouts start tomorrow at 5:00 pm sharp, Karate/self defense starts tomorrow at 9:00 pm, my internship starts this week, band auditions are this week (probably the one thing I am dreading the most), my roommate is awesome, our room is amazing and "homey" (although I would enjoy living in a actual "home"), and I feel like I'm really healing in certain areas :) (yay!).... Well there is more but I can't really think of it now.

Random facts that I feel like sharing:

• I just love candles to death... so I got this awesome flame-less scented candle that you turn on and it even flickers just like a candle.. not as good as the real thing... but I guess as long as I can't have real candles it will do.

• Oh, and I just found out that my toaster has a bagel button on it. Pretty cool huh? I can have perfectly cooked bagels now whenever I want.

• I am starting to work on reading a book for a book report that is due in late February (I am pretty proud of myself because working ahead is very rare for me).

• I love ... love. Haha.. I love the word. I love the feeling (even though I believe true love is not a "feeling"). I love when someone says that they love you and you know they mean it. I love the moment you realize that you truly love someone and all of your insides twist over and over getting ready to leap out of your body because you are just overwhelmed with affection for them (and I don't mean just a "guy/girl" relationship lol). I love reading good (clean) romance novels. I love music about love. I love hearing stories about how people love others and have compassion. I love trying my hardest to show love to others in the way that God loves. Ahh.... I'll stop with this rather out of character "mushy" stuff.

• I REALLY really really want to go camping. I didnt have a chance to this past fall. :( It's probably one of my favorite things to do because it is such good quality time! I mean.. I really enjoy things like going to the movies and going out to eat... but there is just something about having no distractions in the middle of no where with friends that you love being around and just spending hours talking, and laughing, and building a fire. (Not to mention I can take pictures... and that is one of my other favorite things to do...)

• I really enjoy Christmas lights. Especially for hanging up in a room. I am not a fan of bright overhead lights.
  

• I love water. Anytime I go anywhere to eat I always get water. I love feeling hydrated (Haha that sounds pretty retarded but it's true).
  

Well that was all pretty irrelevant and random but I guess that reflects my mood.

Time

Well tomorrow I drive to Good old Bo, Mo. Has it really already been 5 weeks?

I dont know yet if I look forward to it. I'll tell you when I leave home tomorrow. I think I'm going to go through multiple days of home sickness. lol... But at least I have activities planned for Saturday evening that will keep me company.

Time is just flyng by.... you know how I can tell? Yesterday I saw a video of Steven Curtis Chapman and his beard was gray. Haha... Well, that's not my only indication of time flying by... (that would be kind of creepy and weird if it were)... Another indication is the fact that I have found that in many situations within the last few weeks I have been patient. Yes, weird I know. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Also, my 8 year old brother says things like "Sandra, please dont go get married and move away from us"... why he says this I do not know. My dog's joints are popping (haha... maybe TMI)... but she is getting older. My dad is starting to swerve to MISS small animals on the road. Now THAT is weird... in his youth he would have swerved to hit it. Now I am seeing this thing called compassion. I love watching HGTV. Enough said. Don't grown women like watching HGTV? But me? I'm not a woman... That is just weird. Girl - yes... female - yes... Lady - uhh.. possibly (if you can call someone as clumsy as me a "lady"... but a woman... nope.
But I guess I am growing up. It's a scary thought...

I tend to think too much about the past. The future is just too hard to grasp. I know in order to have true contentment I need to not focus on the mistakes of the past. Things that I would change... or even good times that I wish I could go back to. But I also can not focus too much on the future. If I dont stop myself I can spend so much time just thinking about what COULD happen. It's hard but I know I have to focus on here and now.

I love surprises. If I could plan my own perfect present it would be some sort of surprise. Yesterday I was thinking about how I like to plan my future down to every last detail. This completely takes the surprise out of life. I realized that God wants to give me perfect surprises through life, however, I keep taking that back from him and making it my own... planning every detail (they never really work out the way I want them to) .. completely taking what I LOVE out of life. He wants to give me what I love but I have not been letting him. I dont know if that makes much sense.

Well, on a completely different note... I am so excited because I went shopping yesterday and then saw The Blind Side... it was absolutely AMAZING. And today I am going to get some new boots! woohoo...

Anyways... love love love love. (that is my closing statement lol)
I will go back to listening to the Hannah Montana soundtrack now.

To-do list

Sleep until noon - check
Wake up - check
Eat breakfast - check
Clean various places of the house - check
Bible time - check
Guitar time - check
finally exit my constant half asleep state of mind from going to bed at 4 and sleeping until 12 - kinda check (probably resulting in a delayed sleep phase that will have to be altered by Sunday night)
Finish rereading my childhood favorite book (for like the 6th time) - check
Get rid of a massive headache - working on it (probably also resulting from going to bed at 4)
Go with mom to get her hair cut and see The Blind Side - almost check
Give up facebook because i'm completely addicted - we will see

Sounds like a mostly good day. I'm not really in a talkative mood... it's more of this general feeling of wanting to express that feeling... but I dont feel like talking. haha.... so I recon you will just have to guess.

A common problem with our culture...?

Well I have 4 full days before I head back to Southern MO. It is kind of making me sad lately because I will miss my family and I will miss the ability to do nothing if I so chose (and I "so choose" almost all the time). However, I am looking forward to seeing my great friends that I have known for years... my friends I made this year... and maybe getting to see more of people that I have not seen a lot of for a long time. I plan to take more trips to Springfield to see my friends at MSU and maybe other friends. Who knows.

I wont be writing on here every day... especially once school starts... but I dont have much else to do at the moment. So hopefully this will pass some time while I procrastinate on cleaning up and packing stuff.

Today has been one of my most lazy days yet. I got up around 9 and got on facebook... fell back asleep and slept until noon... got up and got on facebook (up loaded pics and such)... ate breakfast/lunch (a very good salad and tuna sandwich)... took a long hot shower... played guitar... now i'm back online. How sad is that? I'll go ahead and answer that... "VERY SAD".

OHH... I thought of a topic to write about.

So I was listening to this speaker at school and he said something that I thought was amazing. It was so obvious but I had never really connected the dots in this way. He said that (and this sounds weird at first, so stick with me).... "Our culture is having a pornographic relationship with Christ". Yeah, I know that sounds weird... I was rather confused when he said this because I completely didnt understand where he was going with this. But here is where I thought it got really good. He continued to say that...

our culture is so used to going to podcasts, self help books , worship sessions, daily journals, and church (etc.) that we forgot about having an actual intimacy with God himself. We neglect the bible and prayer time because it seems either (1) too hard or (2) too time consuming.. or maybe it has just been too long since we have tried to have a relationship with God that we forgot how to! We determine our "closeness" with God through other sources and we forget about the fact that direct communication is essential.

Now remember all of this and let's go on a short rabbit trail. Adam and Eve were in the garden... Satan tempted Eve to eat the Fruit.... Why didn't Satan tempt Adam? Well there are no direct answers for that but what I have heard mentioned many times is that God gave Adam a direct command to not eat of the fruit. Adam then passed this command from God to Eve. Maybe Satan tempted Eve because the doubt that he could form in her mind about what God really said about eating the fruit would be easiest to form than in Adam's mind (because she did not actually witness God's direct command)...

So back to this whole "pornographic relationship" thing... When we, as Christians, are not getting fed directly from God (via the Bible and prayer), then we are opening ourselves up to be tempted even easier by Satan. We are opening ourselves up and allowing Satan to place small questions about what we believe in our mind... causing us to doubt what we even believe in the first place... because in the end.. when we look at the question we have... we don't know the answers! All we know is what someone said once in a book... or at a church service... or on a podcast... etc, etc, etc. Not what GOD said about an issue.

We've slipped into this complacency... Where we think that "you do what you do and I do what I do".... It's not really a sin if I FEEL like it's not a sin.
uhhhh... How many times do sinful things FEEL like a sin? (You may KNOW it's a sin but it doenst always FEEL bad like a sin)... So, Maybe instead of relying on our "feelings" to make decisions we should rely on God's word...
So lets get with it (myself included).
Sound good?

Well, this is it.

I love starting new things.... but the sad thing is that I'm usually not too good at keeping online blogs going. That may be because I have other journals that I try to write in. It may be because I forget that I have an online blog (or forget how to log in after a while). Or maybe I just get bored with it. Who knows. Well, i'll try to keep this one going. Hopefully.

It's almost the beginning of a new semester. A new season. New friendships. Old friendships... old friendships new again. Old friendships are changing... some are closer... some are ...well... not closer.

I got a guitar on Christmas Eve. Ive had it for 24 days. I love playing... Have you ever just known that you wanted to do something? Or maybe that you really felt like you NEEDED to do something? Well that's how I felt about the guitar. I dont know why but I just knew that I really wanted to play and sing. I want to use it to help lead worship... but mostly I wanted to be able to sing and play by myself... I love being alone with God and I love singing worship songs.. but now I can just go somewhere, all by myself, and just play... and sing. I like it a lot.

I also love nature. I miss the warm weather that I used to go on long walks in. It gives me so much time to pray and be alone with God... I love looking at the trees, stars, sunsets, and all the beautiful things that God has made and thinking about (1) how much God loves me and (2) how beautiful God is.

I guess you can say that I'm a pretty interesting person.. because when I am around people I am so extremely extroverted ... I love being social. But I also love love LOVE being alone sometimes. Sometimes I want nothing more than to curl up in a warm fuzzy blanket on my bed and watch a movie or read a book and just be alone. Realizing for a moment that the quietness is sooo lovely. But where I am in life right now that is not really a regular occurrence. Room mates... Family... friends... Don't get me wrong, I love those things... but There are times to be alone. I guess in the end all of those things make me appreciate the alone "down times" even more. So I guess I am extra thankful for those things (even more thankful than I was before).

I have found that my insecurities that I have/had can be covered by God's love and acceptance when I let them be. Because of this I have also found that I can really be who I am.

Man, oh man, I have so many things that I think about all the time. It's probably good that I have personal journals that I write in because I would bore everyone to death if I wrote everything here (even though I don't expect too many people will read this). Plus the fact that everyone doesn't need to know everything about me... Sorry. Well actually, I'm not really that sorry... because it's true.

Well, here is to one more week of break. I look forward to it. I am so anxious for the future... but God keeps reminding me of Philippians 4:6-8. Ahhhhhh... I guess all of these dreams I desire just have to wait. I often wonder... "will God really make everything work out better than even I can dream of??".... and then I remember that he can... because I've seen it happen before. I guess what it comes down to is that this can be the beginning of something beautiful if I let it be... or realize that God is working in my life... transforming it into something beautiful even when it doesn't feel like it at times.


"... a bad leader is not someone who makes bad decisions, but someone who makes no decisions at all..."

So long and kudos to anyone who stuck with me through that.