Lately...

Well... It's been a while.

SO Much has happened over the last 6 months! ... I made it through my junior year of college, got the key to my first apartment (EEKKK! I'm growing up!!!), moved home for the summer, planted a new flower garden by the mail box, apartment shopped for furniture, played clarinet in the church orchestra, got a new macbook pro, turned 21, went to a doctor who gave me answers, went on a CRAZY intense diet of no added sugar... all wheat instead of anything refined... and 15 capsules of medication a day (that I have to continue for the next month and a half - yuck), and took a bunch of family pictures ...

I am kind of ready for school to start. I'm really excited to cook food in my kitchen... I love cooking. I already have a list of recipes to try and since i'm on this crazy diet (dr's orders) then I am trying all of this health conscious stuff... Like sugar free/dairy free ice cream... Haha... that's not even ice cream anymore, is it? But it's better than watching everyone else eat cookies and ice cream while I much on a banana (Yes, that is as sugary as I can get now days).

I'll let you know how the ice cream goes... lol

I am excited to decorate my own room and bathroom... SO excited.

I will miss my family. I actually am looking forward to moving back home once I graduate.

See... here is how I figure it.

I can either spend money on an apartment every month along with all of the expenses... or I can pay my parents 1/6 of that to live at home and put everything that I would be spending on an apartment (plus some) into savings. Then after a couple years I can just go out and find a little fixer-upper (yes, that is a little dream of mine) and practically have the whole thing payed for.

I also want to have a studio... with a room set up for taking portraits... and a computer room for editing pictures and doing graphic design... and a client viewing room with a large tv (to view their photos on), large table, and couches.... A kitchen/kitchenette ...

I also want large dogs. Aggressive dogs. haha... If i'm going to be living by myself I need something to help me feel safe... (besides my springfield xd 40 subcompact - of course haha).

I guess I have a while before that time comes. For now i'm just finishing up school... and focusing on making myself the person that someone would want to spend forever with one day. So much for searching!...

Yeah, I know, I have a lot to learn still. But i'm working on it.

I run to you

Life is so strange. Why does it have to be hard? Why does it go so perfectly sometimes but those are the times that it seems to go so quickly... when it's hard it just seems to drag on and all you can think about is the future and getting to a better place.

I dont say that because that's how I feel right now... well... not necessarily. I would say that I dont consider right now to be the highlight of my life. But maybe that's my problem. Maybe it should be. I mean... shouldnt here and now be what we live for?... Not to say that you throw precaution out the window because consequences come tomorrow... but God tells us not to worry.. he also tells us not to dwell on the past... So that leaves right now. We plan for the future... and we ask forgiveness for the past... but both of those things require a little bit of thought about the future and the past but that's it... the majority of life is... now.

I guess i'm rambling because i'm tired... It is 1:15. So I guess I should be tired.

Today I went hiking in Springfield and it was pretty much a blast. I wish I could go all the time. I wish I lived someplace where I could do that often.

I hate how you become friends with someone and then something happens and you just never talk with them again. I have had that happen with so many friends in the past... someone I meet in welcome week or youth group and then years down the road you see them again and they dont even acknowledge you. I guess that's kind of different than someone that just stops talking with you all together. Especially when you dont really know what happened... but you cant ask because the communication is gone. I hate losing a friend but I guess you just get over it and move on when there is nothing you can do about it.

Life has been hard this last week. I know it will get better. But it's so hard to let go of control of my future... it's a constant struggle. I really lean self control when life goes this way.

I had a guy tell me that when he turns 35, if were both single than we will just get married. Haha... just what I want... to be someone's back up plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you hope and future" Jer. 29:11

I spent about 6 hours the last 2 days learning new songs on the guitar... Lady Antebellem has been in my head... I learned "I run to you"... it's one of my new favorites. I want to sing it. Too bad I dont sing in front of people (well... except my parents, Ty, and my roommates) so I could never sing it with someone... Haha...

Way too much on my mind.

Well Hi there! (To anyone out there reading this)... I really dont think anyone does read this... but if you are out there reading this and you think to yourself "Hey! I am reading this!"... then hopefully you enjoy reading this. I enjoy writing this. Hopefully there is a little more usefulness in this than just me aimlessly typing away... Hopefully it's at least fun to read.. or maybe encouraging...?....

Well, It's been quite the day! Today Equality Ride (gay, lesbian, trans, bi, etc.) came to our school to debate the moral issue of homosexuality. It was very interesting... There was too much said to go into detail here.

Then I went to play Bingo at the assisted living home here in bolivar.. that was so much fun. I just love sitting and talking with people. I think that a lot of the time people are intimidated or scared to talk with older people because they are scared of what to say. I think it is such a blast to just sit and talk about random things. We talked about square dancing, swing dancing, riding horses to school, WWI, WWII, and bolivar 50 years ago. Haha...

So ... God has really been working in my life the last few days. I dont really know what the purpose of things that he has been showing me or what the end result is (I dont know that we ever will know that... even when we think we "arrive" to the end...) but I think that its something pretty cool... or at least I am trusting that it is.

So some pretty crazy things that I feel like sharing (Some of this is from the book Crazy Love)-

I have really been praying about going to Guatemala next January. I really had closed my heart to the idea of any mission trips through SBU because of prior experiences but I felt like God was really laying that trip on my heart the last few days... so I guess we will see where this goes.

"The critical question for our generation - and for every generation - is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?".... wow

I love love. I really desire love... but isnt that how God made us? To desire this relationship with Him as we desire all genuine love relationships? Isn't that what brings him glory - when believers desire him and are not merely slaves who serve him out of obligation?

How come it is so hard to honestly say and live the words of Psalm 63: 1-5

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you."

I dont think the solution is to try harder to muster up this "love" towards God that doesnt show in our every day lives. When loving God becomes obligation, one of the things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves.... focusing more on ourselves to achieve the goals we set for ourselves.

The answer lies in letting Him change you.

I need God to help me love God more.

If I need God to help me love Himself (Holy and sinless) more... then how much do I need God to help me love others (sinful and fault-filled) more?

"Imaging going for a run while eating a box of Twinkies. Besides being self defeating and sideach-inducing, it would also be near impossible - you would have to stop running to eat the twinkies. In the same way, you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin."

Whew.. that's a lot of stuff that Ive been thinking about...

Well... off to get stuff done.

Audience of One

This is a good one ...


I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am.

And I lift these songs
To you and you alone
As I sing to you
In my praises make your home

So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that youve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility

And Lord as the love song

of my life is played
I have one desire to bring glory to your name

To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord

And we lift these songs
To you and you alone
As we sing to you
In our praises make your home

Blah (That's gibberish for my negative lethargic attitude right now).

Well
I got my computer back today. Thats good. I saw a great nature photographers gallery at the plaza. That was good. I ate a wonderful salad for lunch. That was good. I felt like my shoulders were up to my ears from being so tense from my dads driving and negative atitude (he gets like that when he is in the inner city... he goes into defense mode). That wasnt so good. I got home and felt kind of hungry but then I just didnt feel like eating. That wasnt good. I took almost an hour long shower and just thought and prayed. I know, I know... that's not what showers are for lol... but I will have to say that that was good too. I'm rather confused. That's not good. I am trying to figure out what I'm feeling. I think that when I start to feel the chance of being hurt come on I just shut down my emotions. I stop feeling. Stop thinking. Just ... stop. Back away and get into defense mode just like my dad... where no one wants to be around me because I become negative, sad, and bitter.. all because i'm scared of being hurt. That's not good. I have so much pride that I can't really admit what I'm thinking, feeling, wanting. What do I do? Uhhh.. I dont know.

Who you are

God,

You stole my heart. But I keep trying to take it back again. To do what I want with it. Pass it around for everyone share. Then the storm rages. I lose sight of where you are. Who you are. How beautiful you really are. I always knew you loved me. And how much you loved me. But I never understood how much I could love you back. I never knew that you could be a friend. I never knew until I lost everything... that you were everything. You could be everything. You are everything. I never knew what loving you meant. What it looked like. I guess I had never really seen. So I learned for myself.

I saw you . I talked with you and you spoke back. I could almost hear your "I love you" with the sunrise that morning. The tree I saw that day. The stars that night. The silence. The city. I have learned that you're everywhere. I just never payed attention. I never listened. But it is beautiful, I just thought I would let you know. Because you are beautiful also. More than beautiful, actually.

But now I ask for so much. Sometimes I trust. But I also know that sometimes I don't. I know you have a plan... but am I really ok with it? What if it's not what I want? Am I really ok with that or do I just say that I am? Because I dont know. I want to be ok with it. But I dont even know my heart sometimes.

I know I have to be patient. I am getting better, right? I am trying. Sometimes I just want to hear your words of affirmation. Then I realize that I just need to open my bible for that. You wrote your love down for me. It's always there. I never have to work for it. I never have to search for it. I never have to wait for it. I never have to cry for it. I never have to wonder if it's there. Wonder if you're there. Wonder if you love me back. Wonder if you will leave me. I really like knowing that you wont.

I have to keep my focus. Because I'm trusting you. It's hard sometimes. I know you know that. Because obviously I mess up a lot. You know me. You know what I struggle with... Please help me... I know you do and will.

So that leads me to this. I can't control it. I don't really want to. Well, in all honesty, I guess in my flesh I do. But I know deep down that I can't. And that it will only end up wrong, messed up, and Confusing if I try. So take it. Give me patience. Keep my focus. Keep my thoughts.

I want you to be first. I want to learn how to love you so I can love someone else. I want to learn how you love me so I can show love as closely resembled to your love as I can humanly do.

Please steal my heart again. Take it. Don't let me claim it back again. I want you to be the one to chose who to share it with.

I am alive. I know you have an amazing purpose for me just because of that fact. Why me?

I love you.

peanut butter

I really enjoy peanut butter.
I just had peanut butter on crackers... then I had peanut butter on a chocolate chip granola bar... then I just had peanut butter on a spoon. Uhhhh.... Love it. Haha ... If i'm obese by age 25 we will know why.

Ok so this week is insane. I think If I dont die by the end of it then it will be a miracle. (ok, ok.. so that is an over exaggeration).

Well I know the one thing that I need right now... and it's not peanut butter.... It's not junk food (even though I dont really own junk food)... it's not a good fiction book... it's not a relaxing night... it's not a good friend to talk with.... it's not working out (even though that is what I am getting ready to go do right now)... It's not a good guitar jam session... Even though I do want all those things... really badly (especially the relaxing night one.... we all know that isn't happening tonight)... I really just need to be alone with God.

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz you said that I would never want for anything again
But my eyes are set low
and I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep

I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
This isn't who I'm supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
you're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need
I know I don't need

Well... Work out...eat... Jamming with Ty (guitar time)... graphic design project... SLEEEPPPP.........