Who you are

God,

You stole my heart. But I keep trying to take it back again. To do what I want with it. Pass it around for everyone share. Then the storm rages. I lose sight of where you are. Who you are. How beautiful you really are. I always knew you loved me. And how much you loved me. But I never understood how much I could love you back. I never knew that you could be a friend. I never knew until I lost everything... that you were everything. You could be everything. You are everything. I never knew what loving you meant. What it looked like. I guess I had never really seen. So I learned for myself.

I saw you . I talked with you and you spoke back. I could almost hear your "I love you" with the sunrise that morning. The tree I saw that day. The stars that night. The silence. The city. I have learned that you're everywhere. I just never payed attention. I never listened. But it is beautiful, I just thought I would let you know. Because you are beautiful also. More than beautiful, actually.

But now I ask for so much. Sometimes I trust. But I also know that sometimes I don't. I know you have a plan... but am I really ok with it? What if it's not what I want? Am I really ok with that or do I just say that I am? Because I dont know. I want to be ok with it. But I dont even know my heart sometimes.

I know I have to be patient. I am getting better, right? I am trying. Sometimes I just want to hear your words of affirmation. Then I realize that I just need to open my bible for that. You wrote your love down for me. It's always there. I never have to work for it. I never have to search for it. I never have to wait for it. I never have to cry for it. I never have to wonder if it's there. Wonder if you're there. Wonder if you love me back. Wonder if you will leave me. I really like knowing that you wont.

I have to keep my focus. Because I'm trusting you. It's hard sometimes. I know you know that. Because obviously I mess up a lot. You know me. You know what I struggle with... Please help me... I know you do and will.

So that leads me to this. I can't control it. I don't really want to. Well, in all honesty, I guess in my flesh I do. But I know deep down that I can't. And that it will only end up wrong, messed up, and Confusing if I try. So take it. Give me patience. Keep my focus. Keep my thoughts.

I want you to be first. I want to learn how to love you so I can love someone else. I want to learn how you love me so I can show love as closely resembled to your love as I can humanly do.

Please steal my heart again. Take it. Don't let me claim it back again. I want you to be the one to chose who to share it with.

I am alive. I know you have an amazing purpose for me just because of that fact. Why me?

I love you.

peanut butter

I really enjoy peanut butter.
I just had peanut butter on crackers... then I had peanut butter on a chocolate chip granola bar... then I just had peanut butter on a spoon. Uhhhh.... Love it. Haha ... If i'm obese by age 25 we will know why.

Ok so this week is insane. I think If I dont die by the end of it then it will be a miracle. (ok, ok.. so that is an over exaggeration).

Well I know the one thing that I need right now... and it's not peanut butter.... It's not junk food (even though I dont really own junk food)... it's not a good fiction book... it's not a relaxing night... it's not a good friend to talk with.... it's not working out (even though that is what I am getting ready to go do right now)... It's not a good guitar jam session... Even though I do want all those things... really badly (especially the relaxing night one.... we all know that isn't happening tonight)... I really just need to be alone with God.

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz you said that I would never want for anything again
But my eyes are set low
and I'm holding to the thing I know I can't keep

I keep on chasing the wrong things
and coming up empty
This isn't who I'm supposed to be
I keep on learning the hard way from every mistake
And I'm finding each time that you fall,
you're just becoming who you are

So it seems that I'm wrong,
cuz I keep on searching for the answers that I don't need
I know I don't need

Well... Work out...eat... Jamming with Ty (guitar time)... graphic design project... SLEEEPPPP.........

week 3

Dear reader (meaning the great abyss that these blog entries fall into... considering the fact that probably no one reads them...),

As I get ready to start week 3 of school I sit here thinking about all of the changes that this semester has brought. Wheeww...

I am pretty frustrated with some aspects of life right now... content with some ... and pretty excited about others.

To start with, I wish that the opposite sex could just leave me alone for a while. Enough said.... Well, don't get me wrong... I am rather flattered. But let's just be friends. Yes, I may find you interesting... (on the other hand I may not)... but please... at least respect me in the process. Don't assume that you know exactly what I'm thinking and that I just can't wait to date you and marry you. "Uhhhhhhhh" (That noise shows the extent of my frustration and confusion). I dont mean to sound conceited. Because I really dont see what these guys see in me in the first place. I think that most of them just see the fact that they are getting older and soon the pick of girls will dwindle down to almost nothing... so they better get while the gettin's good. If this describes you... then don't even try. On the other hand... I think that it is possible for a guy to be very nice. And sincere. And respectable for respecting me. But who knows... guys change right? Time will tell...I guess It has a way of doing that.

I love the girls on the hall that I live with. Sooo much.

I really love ice cream.

I really love working out... too bad I never seem to have time anymore.

I am trying to take things slow. Trust God. Be patient. Follow. But it is so hard sometimes... I dont want to fall into the same mistakes again. I want to do everything better from here on out. I believe that God will open doors and close others... So why am I searching? Why am I thinking about things that I need to just not worry about? Why do I worry about tomorrow? Why do I worry about what you think? Why do I wait for a text message? Pretty stupid huh? I'm trying to not control everything.. but I guess that takes practice... when you are used to just controlling everything. It's a new concept.

I am tired... I need more sleep... why is it that I am up at 1:00 am writing a blog when I know I should be sleeping? I have to get up at 8:00am tomorrow.

Ohhh why do I do the things I do sometimes? haha... I guess it's bed time.