Chain of thought

Random chain of thought facts about me .. because I can't think of anything else to write right now.

I like my space. I am independent. I am motivated. I am extremely strong willed. But I'm kind of hypocritical at the same time... Because I'm not always like that. lol... I like to lead in some situations where a leader is needed. But I really enjoy following. I like metaphorical things such as poetry... but I'm not into the mushy gushy stuff. I like the color red because it's very classy when paired with black and white. But I also like bright pink (just not to design or decorate with). I love taking pictures of people. I like falling asleep in the middle of the day. I like waking up when it's raining and then falling back asleep because I don't have to get up early. I like chocolate chip pancakes. I like helping people that are going through situations that i've gone through. I like dark paint on walls (like brown) because it's so relaxing (unless it's in a kitchen or living room or a room on the south side of the house). I hate divorce. I enjoy cooking (deserts are my favorite). I have a secret family recipe for pie crust (i'm the only person in my family that knows it). I was the last one to see my great grandma alive (besides the nurse probably). I love learning about how people react to situations. I love learning about why people do what they do. I do not enjoy band. I really like drinking water. I love camping. I love running water (like streams, waterfalls, etc). I love bright colors. I love the spring time when everything is blooming. I love the New Testament and I find it easier to relate to my life than the Old Testament (but i'm working on that). I really have a heart for hurting people (I mean people who are hurting). I enjoy sewing. I made my purse. I like big breakfasts. I love carbs but I dont really enjoy eating a lot of carbs all at once. I enjoy protein more than carbs. My favorite is a good mixture of the two in every meal. I like tuna salad. I really really like sunflowers for a really deep reason... not necessarily because they are pretty (even though they are pretty). I enjoy taking everything slow and enjoying the process of getting places. I dont like rushing things (anything). I take a long time to grieve. I take a long time to love. And I enjoy when people give me the time I need. I enjoy when people let me grieve and try to understand. I enjoy when people understand emotions and pain and even when it doesnt make sense or what you're doing isn't necessarily the "right" thing to do ... they still understand that you are reacting the way that you are because of the pain and they have compassion regardless. I enjoy praying. I enjoy taking walks. I enjoy lots and lots of pillows. I enjoy cuddling (even if it IS just with my pillows haha). I enjoy being warm. I enjoy pretty snow. I enjoy lazy days. I enjoy movie/tv show marathons. I enjoy getting into a warm bed when you are completely exhausted and your whole body just feels so amazing as you relax........
uhhh....
I think i'm done for today.

Wow.

School again, school again, jiggady-jig...

Hello all!

Well I am back in Bo, Mo. That is apparent by spending just 30 seconds in Walmart. I think it is the mixture between the goth gang member, mom yelling at her 6 month old that can't understand what they did wrong, Cowboy, and creepy-look-giving guy ... all the different demographics that make up this awesome town. uhhh... I just love it. (I am pretty sarcastic). At least I get to head to Springfield Tuesday evening.

So here I sit, jalapeno doritos in hand at 10:45 at night (no wonder I gained 4lbs over Christmas break!), typing away listening to my roommates Casting Crowns. I am so excited about this semester. My workouts start tomorrow at 5:00 pm sharp, Karate/self defense starts tomorrow at 9:00 pm, my internship starts this week, band auditions are this week (probably the one thing I am dreading the most), my roommate is awesome, our room is amazing and "homey" (although I would enjoy living in a actual "home"), and I feel like I'm really healing in certain areas :) (yay!).... Well there is more but I can't really think of it now.

Random facts that I feel like sharing:

• I just love candles to death... so I got this awesome flame-less scented candle that you turn on and it even flickers just like a candle.. not as good as the real thing... but I guess as long as I can't have real candles it will do.

• Oh, and I just found out that my toaster has a bagel button on it. Pretty cool huh? I can have perfectly cooked bagels now whenever I want.

• I am starting to work on reading a book for a book report that is due in late February (I am pretty proud of myself because working ahead is very rare for me).

• I love ... love. Haha.. I love the word. I love the feeling (even though I believe true love is not a "feeling"). I love when someone says that they love you and you know they mean it. I love the moment you realize that you truly love someone and all of your insides twist over and over getting ready to leap out of your body because you are just overwhelmed with affection for them (and I don't mean just a "guy/girl" relationship lol). I love reading good (clean) romance novels. I love music about love. I love hearing stories about how people love others and have compassion. I love trying my hardest to show love to others in the way that God loves. Ahh.... I'll stop with this rather out of character "mushy" stuff.

• I REALLY really really want to go camping. I didnt have a chance to this past fall. :( It's probably one of my favorite things to do because it is such good quality time! I mean.. I really enjoy things like going to the movies and going out to eat... but there is just something about having no distractions in the middle of no where with friends that you love being around and just spending hours talking, and laughing, and building a fire. (Not to mention I can take pictures... and that is one of my other favorite things to do...)

• I really enjoy Christmas lights. Especially for hanging up in a room. I am not a fan of bright overhead lights.
  

• I love water. Anytime I go anywhere to eat I always get water. I love feeling hydrated (Haha that sounds pretty retarded but it's true).
  

Well that was all pretty irrelevant and random but I guess that reflects my mood.

Time

Well tomorrow I drive to Good old Bo, Mo. Has it really already been 5 weeks?

I dont know yet if I look forward to it. I'll tell you when I leave home tomorrow. I think I'm going to go through multiple days of home sickness. lol... But at least I have activities planned for Saturday evening that will keep me company.

Time is just flyng by.... you know how I can tell? Yesterday I saw a video of Steven Curtis Chapman and his beard was gray. Haha... Well, that's not my only indication of time flying by... (that would be kind of creepy and weird if it were)... Another indication is the fact that I have found that in many situations within the last few weeks I have been patient. Yes, weird I know. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Also, my 8 year old brother says things like "Sandra, please dont go get married and move away from us"... why he says this I do not know. My dog's joints are popping (haha... maybe TMI)... but she is getting older. My dad is starting to swerve to MISS small animals on the road. Now THAT is weird... in his youth he would have swerved to hit it. Now I am seeing this thing called compassion. I love watching HGTV. Enough said. Don't grown women like watching HGTV? But me? I'm not a woman... That is just weird. Girl - yes... female - yes... Lady - uhh.. possibly (if you can call someone as clumsy as me a "lady"... but a woman... nope.
But I guess I am growing up. It's a scary thought...

I tend to think too much about the past. The future is just too hard to grasp. I know in order to have true contentment I need to not focus on the mistakes of the past. Things that I would change... or even good times that I wish I could go back to. But I also can not focus too much on the future. If I dont stop myself I can spend so much time just thinking about what COULD happen. It's hard but I know I have to focus on here and now.

I love surprises. If I could plan my own perfect present it would be some sort of surprise. Yesterday I was thinking about how I like to plan my future down to every last detail. This completely takes the surprise out of life. I realized that God wants to give me perfect surprises through life, however, I keep taking that back from him and making it my own... planning every detail (they never really work out the way I want them to) .. completely taking what I LOVE out of life. He wants to give me what I love but I have not been letting him. I dont know if that makes much sense.

Well, on a completely different note... I am so excited because I went shopping yesterday and then saw The Blind Side... it was absolutely AMAZING. And today I am going to get some new boots! woohoo...

Anyways... love love love love. (that is my closing statement lol)
I will go back to listening to the Hannah Montana soundtrack now.

To-do list

Sleep until noon - check
Wake up - check
Eat breakfast - check
Clean various places of the house - check
Bible time - check
Guitar time - check
finally exit my constant half asleep state of mind from going to bed at 4 and sleeping until 12 - kinda check (probably resulting in a delayed sleep phase that will have to be altered by Sunday night)
Finish rereading my childhood favorite book (for like the 6th time) - check
Get rid of a massive headache - working on it (probably also resulting from going to bed at 4)
Go with mom to get her hair cut and see The Blind Side - almost check
Give up facebook because i'm completely addicted - we will see

Sounds like a mostly good day. I'm not really in a talkative mood... it's more of this general feeling of wanting to express that feeling... but I dont feel like talking. haha.... so I recon you will just have to guess.

A common problem with our culture...?

Well I have 4 full days before I head back to Southern MO. It is kind of making me sad lately because I will miss my family and I will miss the ability to do nothing if I so chose (and I "so choose" almost all the time). However, I am looking forward to seeing my great friends that I have known for years... my friends I made this year... and maybe getting to see more of people that I have not seen a lot of for a long time. I plan to take more trips to Springfield to see my friends at MSU and maybe other friends. Who knows.

I wont be writing on here every day... especially once school starts... but I dont have much else to do at the moment. So hopefully this will pass some time while I procrastinate on cleaning up and packing stuff.

Today has been one of my most lazy days yet. I got up around 9 and got on facebook... fell back asleep and slept until noon... got up and got on facebook (up loaded pics and such)... ate breakfast/lunch (a very good salad and tuna sandwich)... took a long hot shower... played guitar... now i'm back online. How sad is that? I'll go ahead and answer that... "VERY SAD".

OHH... I thought of a topic to write about.

So I was listening to this speaker at school and he said something that I thought was amazing. It was so obvious but I had never really connected the dots in this way. He said that (and this sounds weird at first, so stick with me).... "Our culture is having a pornographic relationship with Christ". Yeah, I know that sounds weird... I was rather confused when he said this because I completely didnt understand where he was going with this. But here is where I thought it got really good. He continued to say that...

our culture is so used to going to podcasts, self help books , worship sessions, daily journals, and church (etc.) that we forgot about having an actual intimacy with God himself. We neglect the bible and prayer time because it seems either (1) too hard or (2) too time consuming.. or maybe it has just been too long since we have tried to have a relationship with God that we forgot how to! We determine our "closeness" with God through other sources and we forget about the fact that direct communication is essential.

Now remember all of this and let's go on a short rabbit trail. Adam and Eve were in the garden... Satan tempted Eve to eat the Fruit.... Why didn't Satan tempt Adam? Well there are no direct answers for that but what I have heard mentioned many times is that God gave Adam a direct command to not eat of the fruit. Adam then passed this command from God to Eve. Maybe Satan tempted Eve because the doubt that he could form in her mind about what God really said about eating the fruit would be easiest to form than in Adam's mind (because she did not actually witness God's direct command)...

So back to this whole "pornographic relationship" thing... When we, as Christians, are not getting fed directly from God (via the Bible and prayer), then we are opening ourselves up to be tempted even easier by Satan. We are opening ourselves up and allowing Satan to place small questions about what we believe in our mind... causing us to doubt what we even believe in the first place... because in the end.. when we look at the question we have... we don't know the answers! All we know is what someone said once in a book... or at a church service... or on a podcast... etc, etc, etc. Not what GOD said about an issue.

We've slipped into this complacency... Where we think that "you do what you do and I do what I do".... It's not really a sin if I FEEL like it's not a sin.
uhhhh... How many times do sinful things FEEL like a sin? (You may KNOW it's a sin but it doenst always FEEL bad like a sin)... So, Maybe instead of relying on our "feelings" to make decisions we should rely on God's word...
So lets get with it (myself included).
Sound good?

Well, this is it.

I love starting new things.... but the sad thing is that I'm usually not too good at keeping online blogs going. That may be because I have other journals that I try to write in. It may be because I forget that I have an online blog (or forget how to log in after a while). Or maybe I just get bored with it. Who knows. Well, i'll try to keep this one going. Hopefully.

It's almost the beginning of a new semester. A new season. New friendships. Old friendships... old friendships new again. Old friendships are changing... some are closer... some are ...well... not closer.

I got a guitar on Christmas Eve. Ive had it for 24 days. I love playing... Have you ever just known that you wanted to do something? Or maybe that you really felt like you NEEDED to do something? Well that's how I felt about the guitar. I dont know why but I just knew that I really wanted to play and sing. I want to use it to help lead worship... but mostly I wanted to be able to sing and play by myself... I love being alone with God and I love singing worship songs.. but now I can just go somewhere, all by myself, and just play... and sing. I like it a lot.

I also love nature. I miss the warm weather that I used to go on long walks in. It gives me so much time to pray and be alone with God... I love looking at the trees, stars, sunsets, and all the beautiful things that God has made and thinking about (1) how much God loves me and (2) how beautiful God is.

I guess you can say that I'm a pretty interesting person.. because when I am around people I am so extremely extroverted ... I love being social. But I also love love LOVE being alone sometimes. Sometimes I want nothing more than to curl up in a warm fuzzy blanket on my bed and watch a movie or read a book and just be alone. Realizing for a moment that the quietness is sooo lovely. But where I am in life right now that is not really a regular occurrence. Room mates... Family... friends... Don't get me wrong, I love those things... but There are times to be alone. I guess in the end all of those things make me appreciate the alone "down times" even more. So I guess I am extra thankful for those things (even more thankful than I was before).

I have found that my insecurities that I have/had can be covered by God's love and acceptance when I let them be. Because of this I have also found that I can really be who I am.

Man, oh man, I have so many things that I think about all the time. It's probably good that I have personal journals that I write in because I would bore everyone to death if I wrote everything here (even though I don't expect too many people will read this). Plus the fact that everyone doesn't need to know everything about me... Sorry. Well actually, I'm not really that sorry... because it's true.

Well, here is to one more week of break. I look forward to it. I am so anxious for the future... but God keeps reminding me of Philippians 4:6-8. Ahhhhhh... I guess all of these dreams I desire just have to wait. I often wonder... "will God really make everything work out better than even I can dream of??".... and then I remember that he can... because I've seen it happen before. I guess what it comes down to is that this can be the beginning of something beautiful if I let it be... or realize that God is working in my life... transforming it into something beautiful even when it doesn't feel like it at times.


"... a bad leader is not someone who makes bad decisions, but someone who makes no decisions at all..."

So long and kudos to anyone who stuck with me through that.